DEAR DIARY,
Just got back from the city. It was alright, but the walk back was murder. Laman was picked to go talk to Laban. He went over and got drunk with him. Then he hit on one of his women so Laban pummeled him bloody. After that, we went back home and got our gold and tried to buy the plates from Laban, but his gang chased us away and stole our stuff. Laman was furious. I thought the vein on his forehead would blow up. He got a stick and we beat Nephi and Sammy with it until we got tired. Finally, Nephi found Laban by a wall. He was hammered, so Nephi chopped off his head and took the plates.
LEM.

DEAR DIARY,
Now Dad wants us to go back home and get Ishmael and his family. He probably wants us to marry his daughters—he's got about a million kids. I guess I don't mind so much about going back to Jerusalem this time; some of Ish's daughters have nice bods, but nothing upstairs. But hey, what more could a man want? I'll write more when we get back.
LEM.

DEAR DIARY,
Just got back. Ishmael's daughters are better than I remembered. But there's one that's butt ugly. She's hanging on Laman like a bad suit. Nephi's been on our backs the whole time. He keeps telling me to repent. Sheesh! It's not like I'm Crain or something.
LEM.

DEAR DIARY,
I've had it out here! I'm no camper. I've had diarrhea for the last two months. I haven't been writing much lately because things have been really hard. Now the old man's got a ball he stares into for about 8 hours a day. He says it tells him what to do. I'm going to bed. Mom's pregnant, I think. Either that, or she has a tumor. I think she's too old to have a baby.
LEM.

DEAR DIARY,
Mom was pregnant. She had a boy—named him Joe. We all have families now, and most of us have at least one kid. I have two—Frank and Jesse. They're terrors, but I guess they'll grow out of it. I've got to write more often, but I always put it off. I don't know why, but my wife is getting really buff. I'm worried about it because she's almost gotten bigger than me. Laman's wife is huge. She's stronger than eight cows. But then, I always told Laman he had an eight cow wife!
LEM.

DEAR DIARY,
Oy veh! Would that there was a good Deli in the wilderness. I'm craving some bagels and lox, maybe pastrami on rye. Nephi says God told him to build a boat. He's never even seen a boat; Jerusalem's landlocked. I've never seen more than a glass of water at one time, let alone an ocean, and Nephi thinks he's Noah all of a sudden. He can't even shoot a bow. He broke his last week We went a day without any food because of it, but Nephi probably called it a fast.
LEM.

DEAR DIARY,
Laman just gave me a tattoo. It really hurts. He rubbed salt in it before I could stop him. He said it makes it feel better. It hurts like the dickens. I don't know why I let him do it; he can talk me into just about anything. I can't believe it's been eight years since we left home, and here we are on a beach with a ship that probably won't even float. Mom had another baby—called him Jacob. I can already tell he's going to be nothing but trouble.
LEM.

DEAR DIARY,
I'm really seasick. We've been having a party here on that ship Nephi made. It works pretty good; we've been floating around for about two weeks now. We tied Nephi up yesterday because he is so stiff. Laman gat really mad at him when was drunk. It's been stormy a lot. If it gets much worse we might sink. Everybody says that God is punishing us with this storm and that we should untie Nephi. Right! I doubt it. But maybe we'll untie him after Family Home Evening.
LEM.

(From BYU Student Review, October 30, 1991.)